Je suis troublée.

I made no posts in March.

I am sorry for that.

I did draw this picture for my friend, Rachel, though. I hope you like it.

I’m thinking about making a sitcom for and about ants off this premise:

People are always telling me:
“Kerith, that’s made in a place where workers work for nothing! You should really reconsider purchasing this item! I urge you to reconsider!!!”

I say, hear this!
“It’s ok, friend. This item was made in China. I can buy things that are made in China because they are Commies! And it’s not my fault they’re commies. They do it to themselves. The gov WANTS cheap labor. So it’s cool. I can buy this.”

See, baby, I can’t help that. I don’t oppress the people, so I’m just going to buy this really neat vest. Maybe that key chain too.

I’ve noticed a lot of people I know who have blogs…also have a top ten albums of 2007 list…

I’ve also noticed that these lists display an awful lot of pretentious behavior by above-mentioned bloggers.

Thus, I will also have a Top Ten Albums of 2007.

The list is as follows:

ten!

Pointless Nostalgic: Jamie Cullum

nine!

X&Y: Coldplay

eight!

Shangri La Dee Da: Stone Temple Pilots

seven!

Play: Moby

six!

Goldfly: Guster

five!

Sam’s Town: The Killers

four!

Sing-A-Longs & Lullabies for the film Curious George: Jack Johnson

three!

Rumors: Fleetwood Mac

two!

Invisible Touch: Genesis

one!!!!!

• “how many ladies in the house? how many ladies in the house without a spouse? somethin’ in your blouse got me feelin’ so aroused! whu’chu about?!”
• “and you can live through anything if Magic made it…”
• “say something where you gonna end up apologin.’”
• “So if the devil wear Prada, Adam & Eve wear nada, I’m in between, but way more fresha.”
• “so here’s another hit, barry bonds!”
• “stop runnin’ up my tab, cuz these drinks is not free.”
• “you wanna sit down, but we hit the drive thru.”
• “oh, now you sober, how’d i know you’d say that.”
• “we go through too much bull shit just to mess with these drunk and hot girls.”
• “i’m more of the trips to florida, order the hors’ d’oeuvres, views of the water, straight from a page of your favorite autha.”
• “i hate these niggas more than the nazis…”
• “feelin’ like katrina with no fema, like martin with no gina, like a flight with no visa.”
• “hey mona lisa, come home, you know you can’t rome without cesar.”

Graduation: Kanye West

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*back to school with Kanye and his Louis V. 

What are amazing defeats?

They are things that I’ve always been too much of a girl to do, and then somehow, I do them. Miraculously. Amazing defeats.

I went for a walk for some exercise and a cup of coffee after donating blood, when I decided to stop for a burrito.

At Beans & Barley.

By myself.

They took good care of me.

I read my book.

Side note - I barely got annoyed with the girls sitting next to me talking about religion and politics. Barely noticed them. I felt French/bad ass.

Amazing Defeat No. 256:

Dining out alone.

Yeah!

• The lyrics to Frère Jacques;
• The original author/composer of Frère Jacques;
• Marcel Proust;
• World War I;
• World War II;
• Croissants;
• French Fries;
• Wine;
• Berets;
• Mustaches;
• Onion soup;
• The Guillotine;
• Hexagons;
• Edith Piaf;
• Other pastries
• Napoleon; and
• Kings.

Things I actually consider myself to be an expert on:

• Croissants;
• Other pastries; and
• Mustaches.

Pick up your feet.

It’s not 6:30 a.m.

You’re not going to the kitchen to get some coffee.

Pick up your feet.

Uggs are not that heavy.

You are just lazy.

What are those?

Chanel sunglasses?

Pick up your feet.

Get off the phone.

Why are you even going to class?

Daddy is going to get you a job anywhere you want one anyway.

You don’t need to go.

Then I wouldn’t have to hear you dragging your Uggs.

I wouldn’t have to hear you talking to your girlfriends.

I wouldn’t have to see your Chanel sunglasses, your Uggs, your stretch pants, your Northface fleece.

Go home.

Get drunk.

You want to do that anyway.

Pick up your feet!

I’m not sorry.

I am not sorry when I see fat people.

I am not sorry when they have fat friends.

I am not sorry when they walk in front of me.

Slowly.

I am not sorry when they take up the whole sidewalk.

Or walkway.

Or aisle.

Excuse me.

I would like to walk faster than you.

But I cannot, because not only are you fat,

you’re inconsiderate.

You won’t let me pass because you are a middle-aged white woman with bad hair and ugly fleece vests.

You think you’re more important than I am.

You work at the bank.

I’m not sorry.

I’m angry.

I shouldn’t be subjected to shoveling my sidewalk or the stairs.

Do you know who I am?

I’m a young lady. Young ladies do not shovel sidewalks.

Either you shovel sidewalks or you wear lipstick and high heels.

I wear lipstick and high heels. I do not shovel sidewalks.

I wish Sam Elliott would ride up on his stallion, wearing a kerchief, and just scoop me up and take me somewhere for hot cocoa near a fireplace. And promise me. Promise me when I get back, he’d have someone take care of that shoveling.

Please, Sam Elliott, come get me. I’m waiting.  It’s cold.